:MY DaY MY WaY:

Sunday, November 05, 2006 It has been a week since I blogged. ~ ~ Well, I have just started work at MINDEF, and as a civilian personnel. People who know me know I am in it for the short term, and mainly to earn some money to last a while. If I will bitch about it, the job requires me to detach myself, and process reports and draft policies based on past regulations. Not exactly a very meaningful job so far, but trying to get used to it. The regimental lifestyle is yet another problem, as the people there tend to be a little more uptight and apprehensive than usual, given the unit's subversive nature. You can literally feel the air freeze and invisible blades fly around. ~ ~ People ask me why I signed, when I am known to be critical of the NS experience myself. In fact, my contract reads that I am a regular personnel of MINDEF, although I will strictly insist that I will have nothing to do with MINDEF when I am off duty. I aim to leave on time, to do my best when I am at work, but nothing extra. My lifestyle is simply more important than the organization's, despite signing otherwise. Rather ironic, but I did not realise my mindset runs deeper than I will have thought otherwise. In the negative sense. ~ ~ I watch the world go by me, and time seems to come to a standstill. I do not see or feel anything, smothered by the blanket of security and surveillance. It is necessary, but it does not fit with my beliefs. A free spirit like myself is being cooped up in a coccoon, rather like a pupa trying to emerge prematurely from its shell. I sometimes look at my pass, and ask myself if I have been objectified, to merely a thing, and merely as a tool for ensuring my own existence. Just imagine you are cut off from society on a hilltop for the better half of the day. It feels better when I know my income is benefiting my family and easing the load as a result, but work simply seeks to be anomic otherwise. I am a man of peace, yet I am forced to pursue the organization's demands in maintaining militant capacity, despite its inherent necessity. ~ ~ It could be just me, or that I am still feeling out my route to life, but dealing with papers and submissions is not something that I will want to do for a long time. It is a joy of life when one has passion, With passion, work is synonymous with life. As for me, I stratify work and play, and list them as two distinct realms, sadly. I want to combine the two, but I align myself only to those I believe in, and not things or objects (including organizations). Humans are important social beings to believe in and to develop, ideals are just keywords and catchy phrases to bind people to authority. ~ ~ There are more important things to life than striving very hard at work. Work is a useful way to attribute meaning to existence, but they should not determine your existence wholly. Money and fame/status/reputation/rank (in the military term) are merely transient. At the end, it is about how you live life, how you treat others around you and how you develop an existence that connects, nourishes and benefits the ones you care about. I think of the nominal father that leaves his family before sunrise, and returns after nightfall to an empty nest (let sleeping kids lie, they do have a long day themselves). I think about the career man that focuses wholly on his career and ends up pretty empty psychologically, and then tries to redress the shortfall to his loved ones after decades of dedication to his organization/s. In both cases, the priority is wrong. By then, that is too late. We will have undermined the foundation of early life, missed the first steps, lost the first touch, and really have nothing worthwhile we can call our own. We merely propagate artificial tools which over-rationalize our existence at work. A little grim, but that's me, and I want to be more personal, to have an impact on lives of my dear ones. Stuffing up reason with money is merely a way to disguise insecurities of souless lives. ~ ~ I desire a mundane life. People may criticize that I have no ambition, and indeed, you can say so. I will want to see my existence develop those around me as well, instead of leaving them to chance, or by monetarising them.The positive thing is that I still have a while to decide what I will do, and I believe in life. A hot plate of rice is simply more satisfying than the world's best delicacies (maybe except stuff with pork lard), when you know your loved ones are enjoying the fruits of your labor with you, rather than without you. ~ ~ It is easy to be happy with life, but hard to be at peace with yourself. weijie froze in time on 5.11.06

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